I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
You Might Also Like
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
That’s what I call a flat tire