Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
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Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.