Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
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This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!