Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
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if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”