u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
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me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.