If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
You Might Also Like
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
That’s what I call a flat tire
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.