The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
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Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
synchronized noseblowing
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
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ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are