I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
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I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke