Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
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friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
This will never not be funny to me.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.