My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
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I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.