her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
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English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Got him!
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.