Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
You Might Also Like
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT