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A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏