When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
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Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
In space, no one can hear…
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway