This meeting could have been a cake
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Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”