The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
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Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Inside you there are two wolves
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.