My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
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Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
What the dentist sees
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie