I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
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The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.