Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
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I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!