Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
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Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*