Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
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I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
this is what they would have looked like, though
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail