me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
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Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.