Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
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Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.