[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
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How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
LA today:
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.