I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
You Might Also Like
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.