1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
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The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
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When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this