I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
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Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Please do it!
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Admin smashed it 😂
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*