Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
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Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
…..pretty much.
✌🏽
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
My new favorite headline
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.