My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
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Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
CRYING
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I am HOWLING at this
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien