What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
You Might Also Like
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
I needed a laugh this morning.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*