robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
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Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor