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*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*