I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
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Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.