i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
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*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.