(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
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date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
that colleague who touches your screen
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents