I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
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Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?