Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
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My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.