Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
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[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍