[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
You Might Also Like
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Fluff me with a fork baby
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT