Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
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Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
i think both sides are to blame here
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do