Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
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Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh