Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
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My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Me trying to walk in a dream
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.