The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
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You learn something every day
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”