Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
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Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Important reminders
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.