Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
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[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people