Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
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I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Kids: Stay in school.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.