me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
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6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.