FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
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Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.