Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
You Might Also Like
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
I’m putting together a team
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
This came to me in a dream.