I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
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I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Schrödinger’s cookie
Perfect
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.